Having spent a year in Antarctica with three other people, I thought I knew
what being alone was. For seven nights every three weeks I would be alone
for 8 hours on fire watch while the other three slept. This book by Felicity Aston is
very much about alone-ness and very much a journey of attitude and determination.
To me her most powerful realisation was something I discovered many years ago.:
and the alone-ness, deepened my belief that we are each far more capable
than we give ourselves credit for."
Before you answer I need to clarify - by ‘alone’, I don’t mean simply ‘by yourself’ when there might be someone in the next room, or in a building across the street. I mean the last time you were somewhere without any sign of another human being. It’s amazing how many people, when they think about it, realise that they have never, in their whole lives, been truly alone. For many sports people, however, it is a little different. Their discipline might involve regular solitary experiences – running back-country trails, hiking in the hills, climbing routes in wilderness locations – but equally any competitive sport can also be very isolating. After all, at the moment of performance there is no-where to retreat except into your own head and your own motivation.
Towards the end of November 2011 I stood on the frozen
Ross Ice Shelf of the Antarcticcoast. The plane that had
brought me there quickly became a tiny black blob in the sky.
Ross Ice Shelf of the Antarcticcoast. The plane that had
brought me there quickly became a tiny black blob in the sky.
I could still hear the distinctive drone of its engines but
with every breath the sound became fainter. I closed my
eyes to focus my ears on the noise but it was slowly, and
inevitably, blotted
with every breath the sound became fainter. I closed my
eyes to focus my ears on the noise but it was slowly, and
inevitably, blotted
out by the silence. When I opened my eyes again, the plane
had gone. I was alone.
had gone. I was alone.
I stood motionless for
a second, breathing in
the cold air.
a second, breathing in
the cold air.
Even the smallest of
movements sounded
brutally intrusive in the
stillness: the rasp of
brittle fabrics, the
polystyrene squeak of
my boots in the snow.
I turned onthe spot,
running my gaze slowly
over the horizon, trying
movements sounded
brutally intrusive in the
stillness: the rasp of
brittle fabrics, the
polystyrene squeak of
my boots in the snow.
I turned onthe spot,
running my gaze slowly
over the horizon, trying
to take in my surroundings.
To my right was the flat
expanse of the Ross Ice Shelf,
a featureless divide of
white snow and blue sky,
while to my left were the
Transantarctic Mountains
which extended in an unbroken
line as far as I could see in
either direction. Each peak
appeared intimately close-by
even though I knew that I could
travel for hours towards them and still not touch stone. As I looked around me,
one thought echoed through my brain: in all this landscape, in all this space, I was
the only living thing. I could search every fold of rock, every block of ice and not
find so much as a nesting bird, a minute fly or a single blade of hardy grass. The
nearest open water where any wildlife was to be found was more than 700
kilometres away to the north and the nearest human habitation perhaps as
much as 1,000 kilometres to the west. The scale of the emptiness was
To my right was the flat
expanse of the Ross Ice Shelf,
a featureless divide of
white snow and blue sky,
while to my left were the
Transantarctic Mountains
which extended in an unbroken
line as far as I could see in
either direction. Each peak
appeared intimately close-by
even though I knew that I could
travel for hours towards them and still not touch stone. As I looked around me,
one thought echoed through my brain: in all this landscape, in all this space, I was
the only living thing. I could search every fold of rock, every block of ice and not
find so much as a nesting bird, a minute fly or a single blade of hardy grass. The
nearest open water where any wildlife was to be found was more than 700
kilometres away to the north and the nearest human habitation perhaps as
much as 1,000 kilometres to the west. The scale of the emptiness was
almost too much to absorb.
Panic filled my chest like a slow rising bubble threatening to block off the air to
my lungs. It burned in my stomach like corrosive acid and I felt choked. It wasn’t
that I feared for my life or for my safety, it was the alone-ness itself that scared me.
I have always been comfortable in my own company and often travel by myself to
remote places but this was a whole new level of isolation; to be so far not just
from other human beings and any signs of civilisation but from any form of life
whatsoever. The sense of absolute
my lungs. It burned in my stomach like corrosive acid and I felt choked. It wasn’t
that I feared for my life or for my safety, it was the alone-ness itself that scared me.
I have always been comfortable in my own company and often travel by myself to
remote places but this was a whole new level of isolation; to be so far not just
from other human beings and any signs of civilisation but from any form of life
whatsoever. The sense of absolute
loneliness was instant, overwhelming and completely crushing. Every fibre of my
body was yelling at me that something was terribly, terribly wrong.
body was yelling at me that something was terribly, terribly wrong.
Ahead of me was a 1700km ski journey across the entire Antarctica continent –
a journey that would eventually take me 59-days to complete, making me the first
woman ever to do so alone. But, during those first moments of the expedition
as I stood contemplating the challenges ahead - the cold, the
a journey that would eventually take me 59-days to complete, making me the first
woman ever to do so alone. But, during those first moments of the expedition
as I stood contemplating the challenges ahead - the cold, the
altitude, the crevasses, the terrain – it was the alone-ness that
was most daunting.
was most daunting.

Every morning I would wake up filled with a deadening conviction; I couldn’t go
on. Antarctica was more than I could manage on my own. I knew that it was
impossible for me to get out of the tent and confront the remorseless weather
that waited for me. I could not spend another day battling forward on my skis
on. Antarctica was more than I could manage on my own. I knew that it was
impossible for me to get out of the tent and confront the remorseless weather
that waited for me. I could not spend another day battling forward on my skis
trying to ignore the clammy discomfort of the close fitting material around my
face protecting my skin from freezing. I could not bear anymore the moment
I would be forced to expose myself to the cold hastily refastening stubborn
clothing with painfully numbing fingers, only to repeat the agonising process a
face protecting my skin from freezing. I could not bear anymore the moment
I would be forced to expose myself to the cold hastily refastening stubborn
clothing with painfully numbing fingers, only to repeat the agonising process a
few hours later. The relentless struggle just to stay safe, never mind move forward,
was more than I could take. I understood, in that moment, categorically, that the
distance ahead of me and the number of days to come, as well as my alone-ness,
was more, much more, than I could face. It wasn’t that I was giving in;it was a calm
and rational realisation that I didn’t have the physical or mental capacity for the
challenge ahead. I had found what I had come to Antarctica for. I had found
my limit.
was more than I could take. I understood, in that moment, categorically, that the
distance ahead of me and the number of days to come, as well as my alone-ness,
was more, much more, than I could face. It wasn’t that I was giving in;it was a calm
and rational realisation that I didn’t have the physical or mental capacity for the
challenge ahead. I had found what I had come to Antarctica for. I had found
my limit.

to get myself out of that mind set and
find a way to motivate myself. Often it
wasn’t pretty; it usually involved a lot of
crying, a lot of cajoling and a lot of
painful angst. I found that it was
remembering those who had been
disparaging of me in the past, or events
that had left m feeling angry and indignant,
that provided the greatest incentive
. I made old wounds fresh by recalling those who had dismissed
me, people who had been unjustly harsh in their evaluation of my
character and my capability, in order to galvanise myself. At first
I felt a little embarrassed at this way of going about things; but
perhaps it is natural that the strongest feelings provoke the most
dramatic responses and hurt so often stays with us longer and
more vividly than praise.
I realised that the success or failure of my expedition was not going to
be down to anything heroic; it was not about ploughing through blizzards,
crossing crevasses or dealing with frostbite - it would come down
be down to anything heroic; it was not about ploughing through blizzards,
crossing crevasses or dealing with frostbite - it would come down
to the simple, fundamental and yet very difficult challenge of getting out
of the tent each and every morning.
of the tent each and every morning.
When I returned home, having completed my expedition, I found that this
part of my experience struck a chord with lots of people - what is it that keeps
us going even when we know it is impossible to continue?
part of my experience struck a chord with lots of people - what is it that keeps
us going even when we know it is impossible to continue?
The fact that I had crossed Antarctica, despite the tears and the fear
and the alone-ness, deepened my belief that we are each far more capable
than we give ourselves credit for.
and the alone-ness, deepened my belief that we are each far more capable
than we give ourselves credit for.

Felicity's book Alone in Antarctica went on sale earlier this year - check it out and find out more
about this incredible, record-breaking, adventurer!
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